Miriam takes time now to reflect on something she has just read.  When dealing with memories of a past bad experience one should set up a ritual with a specific time to write about and deal with the situation.  One should do this in a safe place.

That safe place could be in your home, in a certain room, a bathroom for example or a separate room where you can expect some privacy.  You could light a candle or play music.  The idea is to envelope the act of remembering and writing with something agreeable to make it a ritual … some however may find a ritual threatening.  In my case my ritual will be to light a scented candle that a loved one gave me.  I will envelope myself in that feeling of love as I deal with something very difficult.  I have set aside Monday morning to do this for an hour.  Wish me luck!

A bad experience happened to me over 20 years ago.  I have not dealt with it and have talked about it rarely.  The theory is that my instincts have taken over and make me fear too much because of this bad experience.  I haven’t faced it, talked about it and above all I have not mourned the loss that happened because of that experience…the loss to myself as a person.

So I have decided to set aside March 20, the first day of spring, of every year to mourn for my loss.  I will light a candle and meditate on this day, every year from now on.  At the same time I will evaluate how far I have come in my healing journey.  Writing to you about this is part of that healing journey.  I hope that some can be inspired by what I write but at the same time it is a release for me.  It’s like a confession of sorts.

My anxiety is the reaction to the fear bottled up inside me because of this bad experience.  But I have never dealt with it.  Barely thought about it.  I have locked it away soooo deep that even now it is only peaking out at me!  I pray that with the help of a book that I am reading that I have the courage to face it.  I also have a councilor who will be helping me.

I have done some mindfulness meditation but it has made the situation worse because it has brought forth my fears from where I have buried them.  I am more anxious now than I was before I started being mindful.  I think that I have to face those fears, write them down, think about them, realize that it wasn’t my fault and then try to move on.  By writing about them and talking about them, I will free myself of them hopefully one day.  Wish me luck.

My painting really smooths over this fear and feeling of anxiety.  Writing helps to heal as well.  Wish me luck!  Courage…young grasshopper…courage!