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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  The meeting with the professional was a let down.  My anxiety is less as I face my own personal demons…my personal fears.  Slowly I heal.

I spoke with a lady who knows about making statements to the police about abuse.  Unfortunately my memories aren’t explicit enough to be considered by the police.  I don’t remember kissing or the sex act only my babysitter crouching over my half naked body.  I had been sleeping and woke up to that.  Had he been in the actual act of sex then I would have had a reason to go to the police.  I could try to remember more but my counselor has already told me that I don’t have to do that unless I want to.  I really don’t want to relive that time.  I am trying to forget it!  We’ll see however if my mind is happy with that.  Now when I do mindfulness often the thought of being raped floats into my mind.  My mind wants it to come out somehow.  Just how far I have to go for my mind to be calm I don’t know!  I’ll continue to work with my counselor.

I spoke of the Name Your Fear form last week.  I have been using that form.  What you have to do is take a fear and rate it.  Then ask yourself is it real or isn’t it.  If it isn’t then remember the positive counter statements every time that fear surfaces.  Remind yourself that it isn’t real.  If it is real, think of smaller steps that could bring you to that particular fear.  Smaller fears if you will.  Rate them.  Then take the lowest one and work on it.  By working on it I mean expose yourself to that fear and rate your feeling/fear on a scale of zero to ten.  As you repeatedly expose yourself to the fear with positive counter statements, your fear should subside slowly.  If it doesn’t then it is time to see a psychiatrist and get counseling.  Notice I use the word counseling.  Therapy without counseling is useless!  So unless you are able to talk about your fear, nothing is going to help you!  Once a lower rated fear has subsided to lets say a two or three out of ten, then it’s time to choose a higher rated fear and work on that.  In the same way expose yourself to the fear repeatedly.  Slowly your fear should subside especially if you are using positive counter statements.  If it doesn’t it’s time to talk to your psychiatrist or a counselor.  But at least you have identified a fear that you could discuss with them and work on further.  By positive counter statements I mean answers to questions like is this real? and has this ever happened before? and is this a proven fact?

Well it feels like a bit of an anticlimax.  I was ready to go to the police and now I can’t.  I will concentrate on celebrating my accomplishments rather than the negative aspects of my bad experience.  But I can’t block it in anymore.  I have a mental disability because of it.  I will continue to read The Courage to Heal and the Anxiety and Phobia workbook and see where that takes me.

I chose the picture above because I love the mountains.  This picture invokes in me a feeling of peace and awe.  A peace that I desperately crave.  Until next time…